Dream like you're a tough guy or something.

As much as it hurts, you have to learn to walk away on your own.

(Source: kimmychuuux, via ayzeee)

Personal Rant

I can’t help but think about how much everything has changed for me in just one year. I went from being a scum bag, lying, sneaky bitch to being a half-way decent human being. I was a person I hated, someone I could barely stand to look at, someone I wasn’t proud of. And now I’ve somehow turned into who I am today. Lately, I’ve been thinking about this concept of change a lot. Not so much how it happens, but the huge differences that occur when it happens. I think everyone changes, whether that change be good or bad, no one stays the same. And all of this will be so irrelevant to everyone else in the world, but I need to get it out and just put it somewhere. So here I go.

Freshman year I changed schools, houses, friends and a lot of my morals as well. I wanted so badly to just fit in and be wanted and have a group of friends that I spent time with and could talk to. People that cared about me. And this is where it all begins. I got in with the “bad crowd”. The people you’re taught to stay away from, because they get in trouble and do drugs and drink and do everything you’re not “supposed to do” your freshman year in high school. Those were my people, my “friends”. I stopped caring about school and grades and how I felt about myself. I came dangerously close to failing my freshman year. There was once a time that all I cared about were my grades and sports and being on the National Honor Society, but that was all before I became the “new kid”. Before I needed to make new friends and impress new people. Anyways, my life basically fell apart. And I became a scumbag. But at least I survived my freshman year.

Sophomore year I was basically the same fucked up loser I was the previous year. But becoming even more accepted by my new “friends”, because I stopped listening to myself. I stopped speaking up, I stopped being in control of myself. I didn’t do the fucked up shit they all did, but I did things I told myself for years that I would never do, no matter what. I spent that year of school giving just enough of a fuck to keep my averages at a steady 70. It was almost like that intelligent girl who had no problem in school was completely gone. I knew I was smart, I just had no desire to use that intelligence for anything useful. Instead, I used it for forming incredibly created and fool-proof lies. What a cool kid I was… I lost someone very close to me in the beginning of the year, which caused me to become even worse and more rebellious than I was before. I just wanted to deal with it. I wanted to forget all the pain I was feeling, because it was crushing me. I knew I wasn’t making him proud, and I knew if he were alive he would have been so upset with me for becoming that person, but I did it anyways. Because I regretted so much, it was almost like I wanted to punish myself for becoming the person I was. Instead of trying harder to be successful, I was just beating myself down even more as kind of a fuck you, you did this now you’re not even strong enough to get out. I was destroying myself because I destroyed myself. Drama went down with the people I called friends over some things that never actually happened, and they dropped me faster than I ever thought was possible. I met my current boyfriend about a month before I lost my friends, and he wasn’t a dirtbag. Which, of course, was all new to me. Almost too good to be true. But I started realizing that I wasn’t like these people. I didn’t have any desire to hangout with them anymore. I didn’t want to be around them whatsoever. I was trying to drift away from them, but I almost couldn’t, because I had isolated myself from everyone else. But then the drama happened, and to my surprise, I was out! I was suddenly okay. I was happy. I was feeling better about myself. I passed my sophomore year, not with good grades or really any friends, but at least with a better understanding of myself and a happiness that was undeniable. I survived my sophomore year.

Junior year, the year I am less than a month away from completing. I am just now realizing who I have become. I am going to Erie 1 Boces for animal care. Where I am currently on the National Technical Honor Society. I am doing incredibly well in school, and have just received a letter inviting me to an Academic Recognition Program at my school. I have made new friends, that don’t treat me like shit. As of Monday, I will be with my boyfriend for one year. I just recently got my license. I have been job hunting for months, still don’t have a job, but that is definitely not from lack of trying. I’m taking my SAT’s in a few weeks. I’m looking at colleges. I’m planning my future. I’m doing something with myself, I’m doing what makes me happy. I am happy to say I am no longer that disgusting, party-animal kid I was a year ago. I’m not sure who I should thank for that, but I feel like it should be me and John Fick.  Me, because I made the change. And John, because he inspired it. I thank myself everyday, just by doing the things I need to do to make something of myself, and by continuously not doing the things that will make me lose this proud feeling I have towards myself. But I don’t thank John, my loving and loyal boyfriend, nearly as much as I should. So John, thank you. For everything you do, have done, and will probably continue to do, for me and my well-being. I have done so much more than just survive my junior year, I have lived it.

May 21, 2012 will make one year since I changed myself for the better. Since I realized that someone is proud of me and I should be too. One year since I figured out that I like being proud of myself and am therefore willing to do what it takes to keep that feeling around. For one whole year, I have been proud of myself. Not only for all the things I have achieved, but for making the choice to simply be someone to be proud of. One year ago, I decided to be happy.